The Day Came

I came on to write a new post and realized my last one was about the day we had to have a growth removed from Ruby's lip. I wrote about how hard it was going to be to let her go when the day came, even though I was ready to not have a dog. Well, the day finally came. After her surgery it seemed like Ruby went downhill fast. She started having bladder problems, more hip problems, drinking a lot more (sign of cancer), and just wasn't acting like herself. She was falling as she went out the door and even sometimes slipping and falling as she was walking through the house. She wasn't wanting to play with the kids outside. She wasn't even hearing us until a really loud noise happened right by her. So, we made the very tough decision to have her put down yesterday. We didn't want her to get to the point that she was suffering (any more than she was already) and we wanted to remember her in a generally good condition. We sat the kids down and told them what was going to happen. As I watched I could tell that Lydia was trying hard not to cry so I motioned for her to come over to me. Immediately she fell into my arms and started bawling. Grace got up and came over and did the same thing. I cried along with them. Levi came over and hugged the girls. I don't think he knew how to react. Michael right away started planning a tombstone. When we got ready to leave about 10:30 I had the kids tell Ruby goodbye. The girls walked out crying. The boys just went on their way. I waited till they were out and then told her goodbye. Of course, I had a hard time looking at her and not feeling bad, but I knew it would be better for her. I walked out crying, but tried to control it as I got in the van. It was a tough day as the kids and I were gone all day. Paul text me later to let me know that it was done. I was ok most of the day until I thought about how they actually did it and about Paul being there with her as she went. We have talked about it so much in the last few months that it is just hard to believe that she is actually gone. It has been really hard being home today and her not being here. I find myself turning around expecting her to be right there. I think Paul and I are having a harder time than the kids because we got Ruby before we had any of the kids. We will get through this and we will be fine, but I do want to apologize if I ever came across as insensitive to anyone that has lost a pet. I did not realize how difficult it was.

Now, I also have to add to this some things I have been thinking about through this. Yesterday, as I thought about how it was actually done and thinking about Paul standing there watching her go, it made me think about what Christ went through for us. I think it is so easy for us to know that Christ died for us on the cross, but how often do we actually think about the pain and agony he went through. I don't think Ruby felt pain, but it was thinking about the actual procedure that made me upset. When I think about the physical and emotional pain that Christ went through for me it makes me upset in the same way. As I think about the nails piercing his hands and feet and thorns piercing his head it makes me appreciate it more of what he did. He felt the pain of being separated from His Father and the weight of all our sins bearing down on Him. I pray that each day I will remember what Christ actually went through for me so that I can live my life growing closer to Him and trying to be like Him and eventually getting to spend eternity with Him.

I'm Not Completely Insensitive

Today has been a typical Monday....well okay, not really. It has been in the sense that we really have no schedule for Mondays. It used to be that I went out for the morning for some alone time. Then Paul started going to the church on Mondays to get a better start on his week. He also usually plans to go to the gym in the afternoon. We try to do some school on Mondays, but if I haven't prepared things over the weekend (which I usually don't) then I am trying to get things ready on Monday....which means they do very little school. So we just kind of hang out and as the day goes we decide what we are doing.

Ruby (the dog, for those of you that don't know her) is a boxer and is 10 years old. A boxer's life expectancy is about 10 years. We have noticed in the last year that she has started having issues. She now has cataracts and it is really hard for her to see the toys in her way, and especially at night. She has to sometimes go out at night, which has never been an issue before. She is drinking more water so even going out more in the day. Last month or so, Paul took her to the vet because she had a growth on her lip and she busted or cut it open a couple times and there was blood everywhere. They said it was a tumor, but they didn't think it was cancerous so not to worry about it. Paul just tried to do a better job of keeping her nails trimmed so she didn't cut it open. Since that time the growth has grown more growths. It has looked nasty and every once in a while would bleed a little. Yesterday was the last straw for me. It was bleeding everywhere and wouldn't stop. So, Paul took her to the vet this morning to see what we needed to do. He ended up calling me to talk about what to do. We decided to have them go ahead and run blood test to see if there was cancer anywhere else. The tests came back with her calcium numbers just slightly elevated. They said that and the fact that she is drinking more water could mean cancer, but the numbers weren't too high for them to think it was an immediate concern. So we decided to go ahead and have them remove the growth. They did the surgery today and as I am typing this Paul is on his way home with her. He does tell me she has to wear the "cone of shame" so we'll see how that goes.  Anyway, all that to say, I have been waiting for the day that we no longer have her. It is hard to be in the ministry and have a dog....especially a dog that drools all over people. She always likes to do that to company and especially if they are dressed up. It is also hard to have people stay with us because some don't like dogs. It is also a pain to have to clean up after her now that she is shedding a lot (weather or age or both, I don't know). It is also a pain to have to make arrangements for her if we are going to be gone all day or overnight. It is a pain to take her with us places if we are going overnight. See there are a lot of reasons that I really wish we didn't have a dog now. BUT, today I realized how hard it is going to be to let her go. I know she is just a dog and we don't treat her as part of the family, but she is a part of the family. When Paul was asking me on the phone what we should do I was getting tears in my eyes. I don't want to put her down for my convenience, but I don't want her to suffer....and let's face it, she can't tell us how she feels.

So, all of that to just say, I am not as insensitive as some people may have thought I was. No, I don't like having a dog now and I will be glad when I don't have to clean up dog drool, accidents, smell dog food, etc, but I do have a heart and it will be hard to say goodbye when the time comes.