"You're sick." This was my husband reply to a text today, trying to encourage me.
After dealing with the kids fighting off and on all morning and not feeling well, I got upset with them and said things that weren't kind. I decided to soak in the tub and read. I was hoping it would help me relax and feel better. I text him and told him I was sorry. I was not mad at him or the kids. I told him "I guess my expectations weren't meeting my reality and I wasn't adjusting my expectations". He tried making me feel better by telling me it wasn't my expectations, it was that I was sick. I knew he was trying to help, but I didn't want that excuse. I was expecting the kids to be good and helpful (like they had been the last 2 days while he was gone) and I wanted them to take care of things and me. How messed up is that?! Of course, my husband would like to be helping out more and taking care of me, but he was gone 2 days and I'll be gone Friday night and Saturday so it's a busy and off week from our normal schedule. I am trying not to put expectations on him that he can't meet.
Anyway, this about the expectations all started on Sunday. I was home Sunday with two sick kids. I was listening to Revive our Hearts (https://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/relational-longings/) where the speaker was talking about unfulfilled longings. This was the statement that stood out to me....
"I’m starting to realize that a lot of the (what we call in counseling terms) “presenting problems,” the reason that you call and say, “Help me!” . . . I’ve never had someone call and say, “Help me, because my expectations don’t match my reality. I’m not sure how to do that biblically.”
But they call and say, “I am angry all the time,” or “I’m depressed,” or whatever it is. A lot of that when we get to the root of it is, “How do I learn to thrive with unfulfilled longings? What do I do with circumstances not being what I expect?” It shows itself in statements that maybe you’ll recognize; nothing’s ever good enough.
That's it! This is me! When she goes on to ask women what some typical expectations are these are some that are mentioned....
1. My children are going to obey everything I tell them to.
2. My husband will meet all my needs!
3. My kids will always eat what I make.
4. “I’m going to be happy!”
5. If I don’t eat certain things I’ll lose weight!
6. We read the Bible and expect our spiritual life to be instantly better!
There are more, but do any of these sound familiar? They did to me! I don't know about you, but in this fast-paced world I find myself thinking I should see immediate results in everything. I can go to a restaurant and get food within 5 minutes, turn on the computer and look up anything and have it on my screen in just a few seconds, I expect to call customer service and get answers right away, and so on and so on. So, why can't I start eating healthier and exercising and see weight loss within 1 day?! Why is it that I have to keep telling my kids every day to brush their teeth, or shower, or pick things up and on and on? Why can't they just figure it out after I tell them the first time? I have a great husband, great kids, a house, a car, no ongoing disease or chronic issues....so why can't I just be happy?
I was really dreading the time that Paul was going to be gone since he wouldn't be home till Tuesday night after the kids went to bed. On Monday, after Paul left at 6 am, the kids and I got up and one more was sick. Monday evening I was able to send this text to Paul, my mom, and a couple praying friends.....
"Thanks for the prayers. I was really dreading today and tomorrow with Paul gone and the kids being sick. We've had a pretty good day. I didn't have a lot of expectations of getting anything done and that helped. Michael and Grace made their own monopoly games...which took most of the day and we made pretzels for Levi's science project...we've been trying to do them since last Monday. They've all played well together and been good helpers when needed.
...I realized that's totally me (I shared the above thought from Revive our hearts about the expectations not meeting reality). The reason I get so out of sorts is because my reality isn't meeting my expectations. What needs to change is my expectations!"
At this point, the 4th kid had a slight fever. I wasn't feeling good, but figured I was just tired. I had gone a whole day with only getting out of sorts about something twice and I quickly got over it (and apologized to the kid involved)!! This was big for me! I have realized I have gotten into a rut of thinking that I HAVE to yell and nag to get the kids to listen. This is just how I am....I just get frustrated easily and I can't do anything about it. My life is just hard! WRONG!!!
My life is hard because I have chosen to believe that my expectations should be my reality and that's just not going to happen. Now I'm not saying I can't expect my kids to behave and obey, stick with a workout and eating plan, or even stop yelling and nagging....what I am saying is I can't expect that to happen overnight. I need to make sure my expectations are things that can be met and if not, then I need to change them.
Like I said, I'm not feeling well so I hope this all makes sense. :-)
